


Tied To My Reflection

by Chemi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Happy Ending, Kinda, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 23:28:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8421823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chemi/pseuds/Chemi
Summary: Later that evening he escaped to his old bedroom where a full length mirror sat.It welcomed him with a sinister smile.He rolled his shirt up and turned sideways, his eyes dissecting every flaw.'Oh my god I have put on weight.'He seemed stuck, transfixed by his image."Dan?" a small voice called. "Don't listen to them."But Dan couldn't hear over the voices yelling 'FAT' in his head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is originally written on my Wattpad account xXChemicalSkeletonXx but since I might turn it into a multi part story/series I decided to post it here. I keep actual chaptered stories on Wattpad. It's easier. Forgive any spelling mistakes, I edited it but sometimes I miss things. But yeah. Trigger warning. Stay safe <3

When had his eyes lost their color?

Maybe they hadn't.

Maybe only he could see the haunting look lingering behind his irises; the broken boy tearing at his insides in order to become the definition of perfect.

"Fuck,"Came the shaky breath as the pain quickly faded into relief, his brain releasing endorphins as the stained piece of metal fell into the sink.

His gaze didn't falter as Dan stared into his reflection.

Why did he still feel so numb?

Even as a single tear dropped down his face, the coldness ate at his heart.

"Dan?"Came the curious voice as a light tap followed on the bathroom door.

 

He couldn't speak; maybe the demons had frozen his vocal cords as well.

When did these extremes become required in his daily life?

His family was gathered around, Christmas dinner displayed on the table as if it was a picture in a cooking magazine.

Things were going well until-"Daniel, You've put on a bit of weight there haven't you dear?"

Dan's laugh froze and he turned to look at who had spoken.

"What do you mean?"Dan asked confused, glancing down at his stomach.

"You have a tiny bit of belly there dear. Is Phil stuffing you with sweets and cereal?"

The laughter rang around him, way too loud in his mind, suffocating him.

'Have I really gained weight?' was all his brain could process.

"Aw, It was just a joke bear, you look great." His mum chuckled rubbing his back for a moment before turning to enter the kitchen.

Dan slapped on a smile and agreed that Phil was to blame.

Later that evening he escaped to his old bedroom where a full length mirror sat.

It welcomed him with a sinister smile.

He rolled his shirt up and turned sideways, his eyes dissecting every flaw.

'Oh my god I have put on weight.'

He seemed stuck, transfixed by his image.

"Dan?" a small voice called. "Don't listen to them."

But Dan couldn't hear over the voices yelling 'FAT' in his head.

 

"Dan?"Phil called, tapping louder.

Dan tore his eyes away from the mirror and down to his bloody wrist.

"Yeah?"His body spoke automatically, forcing itself to sound upbeat.

"What are you doing?"Phil asked and Dan quietly started cleaning up his mess.

"Nothing. Why, do you need in here?"Dan rolled his sleeve down and took a steadying breath.

"Yeah, just for a moment."

Dan pushed the door open, throwing on a smile.

"It's all yours."

Before Phil could ask further invasive questions, Dan hid himself away in his room.

 

It wasn't suppose to become such a problem.

It started off with Dan being more careful about what was put on his plate -restriction.

Then he began to count his calories, skipping meals if the numbers were to high for his liking.

He was just going to shed a few pounds and then be happy.

But he was never happy.

Pound after evil pound, he was still not good enough.

Even now he was too fat.

After Phil had started to take notice, Dan forced himself to eat dinner with his best friend every night.

But he felt guilty when his stomach wasn't empty and he quickly learned to excuse himself to run to the bathroom.

It was dangerous.

Not only was he starving himself, but now any unwanted food consumed was being forced back up.

He was an irritable wreck, but he hid his problems from Phil.

Phil was too innocent, too perfect.

Dan refused to burden him.

As for the cutting....Dan tried to ignore it.

The point of not eating was to create a perfect body and cutting was scaring his skin.

But sometimes he just NEEDED it.

Soon, starving nor purging was enough.

He started doing exercise in the safety of his room, The mirror sitting in the corner, cheering him on.

 

"Dan?"

Dan spun around, watching as his door creaked open.

"Are you okay?"Phil asked sounding hesitant.

Dan nodded, shooting him a bewildered look.

"I just....You seem...off lately. Is everything alright? You can tell me anything."Phil crossed the room and plopped onto the bed.

Dan smiled gently, joining him.

"Honestly, I am okay. I've just had a lot on my mind recently. But there's no need for concern.If it was something serious I would tell you."

Phil studied him a moment before nodding in acceptance.

"Want to come play a game?"Phil suggested and Dan wanted to say no, but he got hypnotized by a breath-taking blue and a infectious smile.

He has no idea how long they had been playing Just Dance, but his body ached in protest.

He had been the one to choose the game since this was his usual exercise time.

Half way through a song Dan's head began to swim.

He stumbled slightly but continued, shaking his head as if to shake the dizziness away.

But as the next move appeared on screen he found himself collapsing onto the floor.

The world was out of focus and all he could feel was the cramping in his empty stomach.

"Dan!?"Phil's face appeared above him.

The demons must have frozen his vocal cords again.

"Dan? Whats wrong? Hang on, I'll call 999."

"No!"Dan gasped out and Phil's eyebrows furrowed.

"What?"

Dan swallowed harshly and squeezed his eyes shut,"Water."

Phil hurried to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water.

Drinking slowly brought Dan back to full consciousness.

He sat up carefully, freezing when Phil placed a hand on his back to help him.

Phil froze also.

His sleeve had tugged up slightly revealing the recent damage.

Not to mention Phil feeling every bone in his back.

"W-Why?"

Dan ripped himself from the ground and rushed to his room, promptly slamming the door.

He couldn't handle this.

His head was still spinning and he just wanted to disappear.

"Dan!"Phil yelled, banging on his door.

"Go away!"Dan screamed angrily.

"No! Open the door Daniel!"Phil yelled and the tears broke through the barrier.

"Dan! Talk to me, I just want to know whats going on."

'Fat,Fat,FAT. Worthless Burden.' Dan clasped his hands over his ears in a attempt to block out all the noise.

"Dan-"

"STOP! JUST STOP!"He curled up on the floor, sobs wrecking his body.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"

Phil fell silent.

"Open the door bear. "

Dan collapsed to his knees, defeated.

He wanted to tear his skin off.

He was suffocating.

His heart was collapsing in on itself.

"Bear."

"Go away." His voice was void of emotion.

The door clicked open moments later, Phil entering with a bent coat hanger in his hands.

He had used it as a lock pick.

Dan didn't respond as Phil joined him on the ground.

"Dan. I love you. I want to help you. But I can't if you don't let me."

It was like a punch to the chest.

"Don't say that." Dan snapped, hanging his head so he wouldn't have to look at his best friend.

"What? That I Love you?"

Dan cringed, curling into himself.

"I love you. "

"Stop."

"I love you."

"Stop,"

"Daniel Howell I love you."

"STOP IT. I DON'T DESERVE YOU. STOP SAYING THAT."

Phil gathered the mess of a boy into his arms.

"I love you."Phil whispered as he held his broken body.

His skeleton body was concerningly small in his lap.

Phil had suspected something was going on, but not this severe. 

He had tried to talk to Dan multiple times but was always turned down.

So he decided to wait until Dan was ready to open up.

He was regretting that decision.

Maybe this could have been stopped sooner.

Maybe Dan wouldn't be so bad.

Maybe it woul-

"I love you too." Dan sobbed, clinging onto his button up shirt, his face pressing into his neck as if to hide from the world.

Phil wrapped him arms around his back tighter.

"Let me help you. Please."

Dan nodded.


End file.
